What is Real?
If you read my last blog, you know I publicly came out as Gender Fluid last week. That felt very real to me.
Today, I’m questioning myself and all that I am.
My identity. What makes me who I am?
I am so many things. A mom, doctor, daughter, sister, friend, lover, ex lover, ex wife, artist, dancer, healer, writer, pansexual gender fluid human…but those are only a few of the identities I hold.
Spiritual Human Being. That’s my essence.
When I came out as gender fluid my family had questions. Some of them were really hard to hear.
Questioning how I can choose to be gender fluid, what does that mean, why do I have to label it, don’t all women have masculine tendencies, isn’t that something that would naturally happen if you are in queer spaces on Clubhouse…
They tried to understand it. I appreciated the genuineness of the inquiry but it was troubling.
Most of my unease came from not having answers for them. I had similar questions for myself but wasn’t ready to hear them asked of me. No one can feel what you feel…and finding words to explain these feelings is a mind fuck.
Did they choose to be binary? Or straight?
It’s a given that people are born with a gender and an assumption that they will have a sexual orientation that’s straight until they tell us differently.
I often wonder what would happen if we didn’t identify female and male babies as such and allowed us to use them/they pronouns for all children until they were old enough to tell us what they want to be.
How cool would that world be?
Instead we would be assuming the alternative of the reality we live in now.
It would be that we don’t know. Until we do.
That would be real freedom.
Right now, as a 48 year old human, I am choosing to identify as a gender fluid human because a part of me feels a draw to it. Do I need to be able to explain that?
I’m also identifying as a pansexual human. And, yes, I haven’t been with a woman yet. But I don’t see that as a stop sign for me to feel what I feel.
We call ourselves straight even though we aren’t with the other sex. Why can’t we do that when calling ourselves gay/lesbian/pan/bi?
Coming out in the pandemic had been very isolating for me. My friends and family heard and celebrated me, which I am so grateful for, but none of them had lived through transformations of the kind that I was going through. That was the isolation.
Until I found Clubhouse.
Then I discovered the joy of the LGBTQIA+ community. I brought my excitement and confusion to the stage and shared stories with everyone. My sense of self as a queer member of the community became stronger.
So when I am asked if CH has influenced me and if it’s making me feel more liberated to discover parts of myself, my answer is yes. YES. YES!
And that isn’t a bad thing.
That is what growth is, isn’t it?
Placing ourselves in situations we are unfamiliar with and learning, discovering.
I am becoming more authentic and honest with my thoughts, feelings and voice.
In the past, if I was turned on by a woman, I shut it down. When I saw a Drag King strut his stuff and I wanted to share the stage with him, I ignored that.
And that past wasn’t long ago.
Now, I am not ignoring these parts of me.
Sure, I’m fucking confused. But deep down, a lot of us are confused by a lot, if we allow ourselves to dig deep enough.
After digging we may discover that none of this matters. We all are dust to dust. We are beings for a small amount of time on this planet, expected to uncover our truths.
I remember when my Father died and I was so angry. What was the point of life if it’s all meant to end?
That’s the point.
That it will end. So live with purpose and meaning.
I’m allowing myself to take risks, live authentically and with passion. Enjoying this character I’m embodying and changing it up.
I don’t like knowing the end of books or movies. I like to be in the moment with whatever I’m doing. And that includes living this life, too.
In the moment, I may be Cosmos or Meenakshi/Meena. But always me. Always Mom. Always a sister, a daughter and Mimi. Always a friend.
This pandemic has me totally fucked up about going out in the world and I’m avoiding crowds and haven’t started dating. So, not sure when I can identify with being a lover, but it’ll be sooner rather than later.
And, I know this. When I do date again, I will be as real as I can get.
If I thought I was honest about myself last year, this adventure will be at another level! Talk about the cosmos with Cosmos in it!