Welcome to 2020! The year of loving relationship with myself…(and men, I hope)!
It’s been a fascinating start of a new year, actually. The journey of self discovery and exploration of my divine feminine is delivering so many unexpected gifts.
I found myself excited to take myself off the dating sites, actually (as I mentioned in my last post, I was done with online dating for a while). I felt a freedom and it was an opportunity to become creative. I’ve spent so many waking (and sleeping) moments thinking of who sent me a message or liked my profile that it was robbing me of inner peace. I didn’t want to feel like a slave to my phone and all those dating apps. I wanted to start 2020 with a new outlook.
I really have learned so much about myself through this dating experience since 2018. I know I’ve been searching for many more years than that but this past stint was probably the most intense since I was sincere with the process and really didn’t attach myself to the outcome. Don’t get me wrong-I wanted to find a partner-and still do. But what I really wanted more than that was to free myself of the ‘need’ and experience what the love for myself from myself really felt like. I have to say that the self love and inner happiness party is far better than I would have imagined. Of course, nothing can replace the way it feels to be held by a man and those butterflies when someone touches you/looks at you with a longing.
I’m starting to break down what a relationship gives me.
Sex and physical intimacy of all kinds with another is explosive erotica that I can fantasize and recreate in my mind but definitely is not the same thing. That I know and I want to have more of it-moving towards tantra, with the next man!
The other parts of a relationship-paying attention to my needs, being cared for, pampered, enjoying time doing things I (we) love, can be given to myself by me. THAT is what I have learned. I don’t need to have a man to salsa/belly dance. I can take that bubble bath myself. I can take myself out for dinner and all meals, of that matter. I can gift myself chocolate, flowers and beyond. I can dress up FOR ME and feel hot! And I can do that at any time.
I am NOT minimizing the beauty of having all of these given to me by another man-the contrary. I am appreciating that I can do all this for myself, too. And when the man comes along who wants to do that for me, I will value it even more, since I now understand what that feels like. (It’s also a great way to defend being single, you know…)!
After we hit 2020 I found myself reaching out to someone I dated last year but things didn’t work out (at that time our needs were different). He was on my mind and I wanted to find out why. I forgot what he did that pissed me off, and when I read my journal, I remembered but I wondered if perhaps I had grown (and hoped he had, too). I wanted to see what would happen if we met again.
So we did-and I have grown. I am not the same woman. I’m not the same woman I was last week, let alone 8 months ago! I’m staying open and curious about what will happen-we had a passionate night and I’m waiting to see if more will come out of it. I know fundamentally people don’t change. If he wasn’t a texter before, he’s not going to become one now. And if he couldn’t commit to showing up then, he may not be able to now, but who knows? We just met again and I have yet to see.
The big thing is that I haven’t lost myself. THAT is huge for me. The old Diana wouldn’t have held it together after seeing him. I realize that I am letting myself be a woman who has the same needs men have and I’m not apologizing for it. I see that I can share thoughts, dreams, experiences with multiple people and enjoy the moments.
I’m getting closer to the point of non-attachment but letting myself hope that the right man is walking towards me. Getting closer to me on his own. Without an app in the way. I’m living my life and loving every nano-second of it. With that comes the energetic force of the cosmos that has to ultimately deliver to me my polar opposite. I know he’s close! And maybe I already know him!