I have been struggling to write since I blinked and saw our beautiful world turn upside down with the COVID pandemic.
Our world still is beautiful, but nothing is the same anymore.
And that fact remained true even before. Nothing is ever the same. It’s just a different sense of reality now. The reality I’m referring to is the one about life’s impermanence.
Being alive brings with it a strong faith in the future. Saying ‘bye’, ‘good night’, closing the doors all are attached with a belief that we will see each other again.
There is a lot of trust in the Universe that comes with living.
When my father died I questioned the reason we all lived. If death was inevitable, what was the point? It took me 9 months, one huge journal, several hours of therapy, days of meditation and reflection to figure out that was the point.
Simply to be.
I struggled with what that meant. Why are we here? What could the larger reason for our inhabiting this planet and Universe be?
My reasons so far are to do our part-our ‘dharma’. To find our mission and purpose. Once that’s clear, live life with vigor and enthusiasm. Creating a path behind us that enhances where we were. That legacy so many refer to.
If each one of us could tap into that, our planet would probably be happier, peaceful, united, clean, caring.
When COVID 19 struck I was stuck in between the multiple roles I hold in my life. The doctor, mother, spiritual healer, daughter/aunt/sister/friend. For the past two weeks those roles haven’t been in alignment…until today.
That’s the reason it took me two weeks to write this blog. I didn’t want to send a message that was unclear.
The doctor in me understands and knows the risks that each one of us and thereby other living beings, have with the spread of COVID 19.
I realize that we have limited options to beat this virus that could kill off a very large part of our population but those options are all under everyone’s control.
STAYING HOME, limited contact with each other (social isolation/quarantine).
That is a very empowering behavior that all kids can feel proud of doing and one day can say they helped remove this virus from our lives. I can do my added part of taking care of patients remotely and in the office, testing them for COVID.
The spiritual healer within me looked at this viral pandemic as a wake up call.
We have ignored our own people and planet for way too long.
Something was bound to happen to shake everyone up. To spread love, care for one another, help out however we can, slow down, pay attention by being with ourselves, looking within.
Nature has a way of asking for what it needs and if you don’t give, it will throw down blows until you really hear the message.
The conflict was that the scientist and the healer didn’t talk to each other much this past week.
I saw too many patients who were ill, in fear. I understood the illness at a level that gave me too much info that fear started creeping into my life.
I have socially isolated myself from my own mother and extended family to avoid getting them ill if I could spread a carrier illness to them. My son is the only one who I see and live with daily-I try my absolute best to keep as much of a barrier between what I bring home from the clinic to him, but this virus is microscopic.
I’m constantly thinking of ways to prevent tracking the virus home. I was absorbed with prevention to a point that I was fractured.
Then it hit me on Wed when I was on the brim of tears constantly, carrying a dark cloud above me.
None of these are natural to me.
I’m an essentially optimistic person who sees everything with a light and good reason.
I needed to get behind this. Sit with my feelings. Accept the way I feel, allow it to be and then let it go. Resisting it was only going to make it stay. ‘What you resist, persists’.
So I did.
I reunited with family and friends through zoom. I texted friends I haven’t talked to in years. I texted old flames, loved friends. I journaled. I meditated. I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom. I cooked with my son and we made the ugliest banana bread that tasted fabulous! We watched TV and I’m in love with The Queer Eye and have a crush on those Fab 5 men now.
I realized I was still alive and if I didn’t thrive I would be doing a dis-service to being alive.
Those who are less fortunate than I deserve the rest of us who are alive to live well for them. It’s not a sacrifice that others make for us or us for them as much as it is accepting that we have little control in life. We all choose to wake up and how we live that day but that’s about all.
I chose to wake up with gratitude. And joy. The realization that I have a purpose and there shouldn’t be a moment I don’t live with surrender.
And regarding dating…I’m up for some phone sex!
We got to get creative now! I told my 70 yo patient last week to start having phone sex with her guy friend. She paused, was tickled and after saying that would be new territory for her, laughed realizing we really are always learning and are never too old to do something new!
I may need to scroll down my contacts in my phone (my own version of a little black book) and get me some…!