That’s what I am. What many of us are. Works in progress.
Vedantic philosophy describes that we are here until we achieve what our karmic needs are in this lifetime.
For my current incarnation, I believe my karmas of the past delivered relationships to be my challenge. I feel it in my soul.
My work is a bit akin to soul retrieval. Looking for those pieces of myself that were lost in the past and bringing them to heal and integrate now.
It doesn’t take a lot to make me dig deep.
I can walk into a wall and then engage in a philosophical discussion about how that wall came to be where it was and I why I was walking in that direction and happened to hit it. The initial impact will definitely get me swearing my ass off and I’ll most likely scream out loud in pain but then I’ll quickly engage in reflection.
So when I meet a guy, it’s the same process, more or less. Why did I find myself drawn to him? What was the reason I wanted to experience something with him? Where did that interaction take me and how is this filling my soul’s purpose?
Yesterday I had a date with that fabulous man I talked about 2 posts ago…and we had a steamy, hot interaction that I thought would last longer…but it didn’t. It ended and didn’t resume again.
Sure, I could have made a move but I was in a triggered state…unbeknownst to him…I had that memory of being rejected last month and went back to the subconscious space in my head. I thought he was retracting and my shadow side started to emerge.
I enjoyed our time together, alot, despite the way I was feeling…but it’s kind of crazy to be in a space with someone when you want something else to happen and it’s not happening!
Eventually I left…and he expressed what sounded like a sincere desire to meet again…but instead of leaving happy, I left disappointed. It was a total mind game I was playing on myself.
This journey of mine has been an exhausting one and despite the length of time and effort I put through, I am still single. A part of me wonders if I am trying and working too hard on it.
While journaling this morning, I came up with a definition of the state of being single…’a state of learning how to love yourself enough that you don’t crave leaving it’.
I have mentioned this before-acceptance. The ability to be in whatever state you are in and happily live in it. Like pigs sit in mud.
Though I really don’t think I could accept sitting in mud. Let’s be real about that.
But being single…I am not okay with that concept forever, either. Really, truly.
I want that spiritual conscious intertwining of our souls that make the world around us disappear and sex becomes a tantric experience.
I texted my date from last night and asked him if it was only me, or if there was a distance that developed after our intimate moment, since it was so short lived…apparently, not.
I spend the day swimming in self-doubt and all sorts of deep unravelling of my dark sides…and he’s nowhere near that body of water.
That’s what I mean by finding the parts of my soul that are calling me…to come back. Each man I meet delivers me huge lessons. Discoveries that I would have never made without these men in my life and I am eternally grateful for that.
It’s fucking painful, but it’s real. It’s raw. It’s what I have asked for. For my spirit to shine and my Goddess Queen to emerge. For that King in waiting to embrace my strength and sexuality with a desire that makes the world around us disappear. I had given up this morning…but not any longer. My King is there…jaded thoughts removed…invoking my magic…if it’s this fabulous man, I’ll know soon enough…