Just as I settled into the non-zooming idea of being single during this COVID quarantine period, a man from my past reappeared.
Life is full of irony. Right when you think you are done with a chapter, it turns the pages right back to the beginning. To make sure you remember what you read and ensure you know the important parts.
That’s what happened here.
This re-entrance into my life was a shock, actually. Last year, we didn’t end our communication on a good note. I felt ignored and sidelined by his extra busy life-I think he enjoyed being thought of as ‘too busy to talk’, which made me wonder why he bothered trying to build something romantically. I told him as much and asked him not to bother messaging me again.
But last week he did. His excuse was COVID. He said he wanted to know how I was handling the front lines. Of course, that’s touching and I believe in forgiveness, so I let him back in.
He asked if we could meet for dinner…?!?!?!
Has he left the planet? Hasn’t he heard of social distancing???
For a moment I was concerned that he had removed himself from reality and didn’t know we were all in a global pandemic.
I had to explain to him that the only place I have been going to is the clinic. Even groceries are delivered (with huge gratitude to those shopping and delivering-HUGE THANKS WITH VIRTUAL HUGS)!
So instead we planned a FaceTime date.
And I got excited about it. Maybe there was more to him and perhaps this time things could work out. We planned to make a meal that was the same and share our recipes at our date.
I made my delicious dinner. It looked so scrumptious-lamb and roasted eggplant. My mouth salivates as I write this…
I was dying to dig in, but being polite, I waited for our date. And instead texted him a pic of my plate-an indicator that I was ready and interested. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited for him…
Because he had already eaten-and it wasn’t the same meal, either.
Hmm…maybe he could have texted that back to me when I sent him the picture of the food?
I decided not to let that get in my way of enjoying our date.
But then he started to talk about COVID-for 30 min. Asking me all sorts of questions.
This is what I keeping hitting against any time I try to meet a man these days.
Everyone has COVID of the brain. I get it-I do too, but it’s too much!
We all need a break and a date is supposed to be one of those things to get you in an exciting and romantic mood.
The last time I checked, talking about a virus and it’s ability to annihilate the planet of its inhabitants doesn’t exactly turn me on.
I had to stop him.
So we changed the topic of conversation to what I wanted to know-what went wrong last year and why he thinks anything is different now.
His answers were encouraging.
He identified that he hadn’t created time for what he needed and wanted for himself and with the quarantine he’s had time to think. He wanted to see if we could develop a relationship with each other now.
I really liked that answer. That’s growth and what I’m looking for!
And, naively, I believed him.
One week later, I had nothing from him besides a few messages the day after our date about COVID again amidst some flirtation. Then it was total silence…again.
No message to invite me to another date and no follow up to what he said he wanted to do.
So I texted him to explore the silence.
I got repeated acts from the past. Hours of no reply and when I got one, it was one word or one emoji.
Do you know how frustrating it is to get a single EMOJI as a reply to a text of words???
It was clear to me that he had not changed. And it was so disappointing!!!
I told him I was taking the ball out of his court. I was done with his repeated disappearing acts.
WHY do I keep getting these tests from the Universe over and over again??
I see these interactions as ways for me to know myself better. I’m getting closer to identifying what I want when I see it and telling the men who can’t give me what I want, exactly that.
But there has to be more. And I am discovering that there is a secret I am uncovering.
It has to do with the balance of the male and female energies within ourselves and what I have honed in on within myself.
I’m getting closer to seeing what I have created as a truth that needs adjusting so I can attract the person I really want in my life.
By recognizing I can hold on to the image of the man I want to be with as more than an image but a feeling and a reality within, I can allow myself to let go of the old beliefs I have of what a man is. Once I move on from that I can let myself enjoy the new reality. If I can get there and feel it authentically within, my divine feminine can thrive and draw in what I wan. And by that time, I won’t even need it. So, to letting go of old patterns…and people who don’t serve us!