Once I found those catfish I entered into another state of mind. A state of mind where I decided I was done with online dating (for now) and being abused by these random men. I cancelled all my apps. I was ready to give up the process online and discover another avenue to meet men.
And then, that very day, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, I received two really nice messages from two new men!
This is why I keep coming back online. It’s the Universal Law. When you truly give something to the Universe, it gives back to you. And, it keeps giving. I’m living proof. Fifteen years and hundreds of men later. BUT…it keeps giving me the wrong man!!!! Or at least, not the right one for my end goal, but the right one for the experience I am to have at that time. That, I truly believe.
So now I have these two awesome communicators who are so easy to talk to and are open about their feelings! OMG! And to really tease myself, I have planned a date with each of them…on the same day. But, no, not at the same time! I’m not ready for the threesome…yet!
Which brings to me to the object of this blog today. SEX!
When is the right time to have sex? That’s one of the biggest challenges while dating and I have found that there is no real answer for that question. It all depends-and that itself is so hard to figure out. Depends on WHAT??!!
Depends on why I am dating.
There was a time I was dating to learn how to trust again. I was in a very abusive marriage and was sexually violated to the point that having sex was scary for me. After getting divorced I started dating. I was vulnerable to the point that I would cry just taking my clothes off. I was so lucky that the man I fell in love with cared about me and helped me heal. I had sex for the first time that was enjoyable and safe! And entered into the new phase…of wanting to get laid!
I was opened up to a whole new sexual world! The years of trauma hid my true high libido and I transformed into an uncaged animal ready to pounce on all the beautiful men I met! I was picked up by a boy (half my age) one day at an airport and when he came back to town he reached out me-we had sex five times that night after grinding on a dance floor (OMG)! I sat on the back of a motorcycle with the hottest man in leather and had the best sexual experience on a boat with him (not smart but it was FUN)! I made out in the open under trees and on park benches. It was happening all around me and my goddess was having a party
Then I went into the silent phase. I had my fill of the 1st and 2nd chakras and really needed a break to figure out what was next.
Six years later (clearly I had enough sex to store for six years of celibacy) I decided I wanted a REAL relationship. Something that would give me companionship, love, honesty, passion, shared struggles and dreams. That was last year.
And now, the sex discovery is really fascinating. When I started off I thought I would wait thirty days/four weeks. But that only works if you have amazing self control (on both sides) and if you can kiss and control it. I met a man who was the best kisser, romanced me under the moonlight and I ended up at his home, that night. The sex was phenomenal but the relationship went to the dogs right after. I became attached. I wanted more than he could give me. I was needy. EVERYTHING I tried to avoid with the 30 day waiting period!!!
So, I went back to the waiting. And met another man who agreed to wait but I had pressure from him every time we were together. He wouldn’t kiss me because he couldn’t control his desire for more. I felt the distance between us without the kissing, so I gave in at 3 weeks. AND it became weird…again. The sex was really incredible and he loved every minute of it but he became odd. Stopped texting. I thought we’d get closer but it was the opposite!
Then, I met another man and we hit if off! Didn’t want the date to end. We had so much to talk about and he was incredibly attractive. We had ‘tea’ and that ended up becoming a make-out session that led to sex. And ‘tea’ became code for sex. But we didn’t meet again-this time it was me. I didn’t think we were a good match. I started to see the shift. I was growing. The sex wasn’t pulling me to the men as much as they had before.
THAT is what I wanted to achieve. The ability to have sex and enjoy it without losing myself. I am learning that sex is more than just being intimate. It’s sharing my energy with another. THAT needs containing. I have to allow myself the permission to enjoy another but not lose myself in him.
One of the two dates I have planned for Friday is a really awesome man and we have a cool connection. I know I will want more than kissing. BUT I am determined to wait. I can handle it now. I want him and I to respect the relationship we are building before sex comes into it. Sex makes it hotter but then the burn goes away. I want it to last this time!
6 Replies to “Sex Now or Later?”
I love how you said, you’ve had my fill and now want something more; something more fulfilling. That’s a wonderful insight.
Needs were met to get me prepped for more…and recognize it more importantly. Thank you!! ✨
Interesting post, Diana! Like you I have gone through phases – sometimes waiting to have sex felt like the right thing to do, sometimes it happened quickly. I totally agree with you that it depends on your intent. Right now I am in a phase where I want to really get to know someone as a person, become friends, truly like each other before experiencing sex together. Maybe we will discover that we are clearly not meant for each other, that we are not a good fit – and it won’t ever come to sex. Maybe we decide we want to stay friends and not go any further. That’s all good. Because I know that having sex can cloud my mind and lead to poor decision-making, I want to wait. I also usually get more attached emotionally, possibly to someone who is not the right person (because I didn’t take the time to get to know him first). Maybe one positive thing from all the dating is that we really get to know ourselves, what we value and what we are looking for. Good luck to you, sister 😘!
How do you stop yourself from wanting to? Are you really able to stop make out sessions? That is going to be my biggest challenge! Yes, we really do get to know ourselves…I am so different than I was 1 year ago.
I guess I am going at it more rationally now. If someone sends me a really thoughtful, long personal message where I can see he connected with my profile, and what I wrote resonated with him, I write back even if he doesn’t look like the person of my dreams. Outer appearance matters less to me these days and maybe because I don’t seek out and date those hot guys anymore, the urge to kiss and make out right away is manageable, lol. I want my soul to be tickled- and for me, that happens once I discover their little quirks and truly like them.
So interesting how we get tickled. When I see sincerity in someone, share great conversation and they are truly interested in me that’s when my sparks fly the most. I just met one of those two men today and really like him. So my challenge now is to hold off on sex!! I like the connection so much-it’s my love language!
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