We met, our eyes connected, we kissed…a lot!
I drove out to him. I fed him. We spent three and a half hours together and all of it was exciting. Between the sharing of stories, our body warmth, the kissing and our meal, it was a fabulous date.
The following days, though, didn’t match that date. He withdrew. It was like I was in dream state not attached the reality I just experienced.
I reached out the next morning to say thank you for such a fun night together.
Usually I like to wait for the guy to do that, but this time, I did. Why? Because I thought it was being honest and I don’t like playing games. We shared a spiritual connection and if he really was walking the path of authenticity then it wouldn’t matter who sent a message first.
He took a long time to reply. When he did it was a text that was missing sizzle.
The issue was my intuition was harboring a red flag. From the minute I left his home the night before.
He kissed me at the door, rubbed his hands along my ass and body as I was putting on my coat, but didn’t look directly at me. He didn’t walk me to my car (not that I really cared, but I noticed) and I felt that something was off.
Unfortunately, I was right.
I say unfortunately, but today as I write this, I have done all my work to move through the rejection, sadness, annoyance, anger, confusion and acceptance and I realize it was a gift. I can write this today with clarity.
I say I need to simmer, because I have to!
I see the energetic pull I played in this interaction.
From the time we ‘met’ on Bumble, I had to ask him if he was really interested in communicating (since COVID I’ve noticed it’s hard for guys to stay engaged-very different from my pre-COVID dating and as a result I give them a longer rope). He apologized for his ‘ghosting’ at that time and he really wanted to get together.
So, as you know, I dropped my fears about COVID and we met. We both felt chemistry. He wanted to meet soon again. And we did-this most recent date.
Two days later (yesterday), he tells me he’s not physically attracted to me.
Curious. Interesting. I wonder…how do you kiss someone for 3 hours if you aren’t into them? Is it the dick that makes them do that and it doesn’t matter who’s in front of them?
Since I don’t have one, I don’t know. But I do know my pussy fire won’t let me kiss someone I’m not into .
I accepted his answer and of course, the rejection that followed was horribly painful. It’s never fun to be told someone doesn’t feel the chemistry, especially when you feel it.
And I went through my spectrum of feelings.
Engaged with my unbelievable support of QUEENS within the Layla Martin VITA Coaching and the Moon Money Magic groups I am with. That powerful structure of women holding each other up exceeds any relationship I will ever find with a man.
I see the beauty in each one of these women through their vulnerability.
I also recognize my own inner goddess and know I need to do a whole lot less to attract my KING.
Less doing and more being. More receiving. Enough of asking them if they are interested. It’s their fucking loss if they aren’t quick enough to reply. No more meals for these men who aren’t already committed to me. No driving out hours to meet these men.
It hit me that if I allowed myself to feel rejection, then I was attaching a piece of my worth to him. WHY? Why would I allow a stranger to do that to me? He doesn’t deserve that power-NO ONE DOES.
I may want love badly enough that I see the goodness in all I meet, but that doesn’t meet I have to fall for them that quickly. I should remember that these men haven’t proven to me that they care for me yet.
My heart is open and big. But I definitely can do with some retreating back a bit and allowing men to earn my attention. As a Queen does.
I haven’t really done that yet. I have definitely started having that love affair with myself, as I have mentioned before, and am really enjoying it, but I haven’t taken it to the next step. That love affair doesn’t extend to a man until he has shown he gives more than a damn about me.
The lessons for today for me and maybe for all of you-love yourself enough that a man telling you they aren’t interested doesn’t feel like rejection. It feels like a relief that one more on the list can be checked off. That the love you give yourself has to be matched and then surpassed by a man before you give him a piece of your heart. That a Queen is met with respect, awe, interest, engagement and curiosity. I am that Queen and the King is who I am calling. I channel my magic to draw that King to me. No one less.