It’s really hard to be vulnerable in front of others. And it’s one of the best feelings when you can be and are seen.
That’s how I think my dragam and I feel right now (see previous post for reference of dragam and why I used Hungarian in an English post).
We found ourselves at what could have been an impasse but because we aren’t scared of the truth and revealing our insecurities to each other, we were able to continue to travel together.
I was nervous for a bit. Were we going to be able to talk about what was bothering us and not hurt the other? Were we going to be able to stay strong in what was important to us and yet hold space to love the other? Could we be patient and listen? Could we go back to where we were?
The answers to all the above were yes, besides the last one.
You can’t go back to where you were. Ever.
That’s not meant to be depressing. It’s reality. Everything changes. Nothing is ever the same. Even this moment in front of me is a different one than the last and in that fraction of a second something has changed. In the world, inside myself, somewhere.
So, in relationships it’s no different. And it’s silly to think it is.
That could be why things are so hard for couples. They hold on to what was and wonder why they aren’t where things were. Even if it’s only been 2 months together (my case). I’m still in a honeymoon period and feel it very strongly but we also have had some seriously deep experiences with each other, so it doesn’t feel like 2 months. And it’s a good feeling.
I love the excitement I get when I see his text or know I’m going to see him on Zoom.
I also treasure our deep and difficult conversations, too and that doesn’t stop me from feeling that tingling all over.
But I’m cautious not to make the mistake of asking if we can go back to the way things were. I don’t want to go back. That’s the wrong direction.
In my past 15 years I’ve made the incorrect assumption that my dream man was going to meet my expectations from a checklist.
I realized the follies of my ways in this beautiful relationship I have right now. There was no list. It was all heart. How he made me feel.
People always told me that I’d find love when I least expected it. I never believed them. I thought I was living not expecting it anyway. Humbug. Of course I was expecting it! I was dating!
Well, this time around, despite the fact that I was online, I was in the middle of the COVID pandemic and really didn’t think anything would click. But clearly I hoped it would and as you know, I decided I wasn’t going to stop living due the existence of a virus on our planet.
That was the extent of not expecting.
Then I got his message and something fluttered inside of me.
And every time I see his face that same flutter happens again. The way he looks at me, his beautiful eyes, his smile, his tenderness, his kindness, his patience, his compassion, his love, his depth, his understanding, his vulnerability. His human-ness.
This is an ode to our love. We just got through a really rough patch and we successfully did it together.
I know there will be more. And I welcome them. Because with each tribulation comes more strength and the love grows deeper.