Coming out is such a complex experience.
The person coming out sees, feels and witnesses things differently but for those around them, nothing has really changed.
That’s a huge difference in perspective. It think it’s a part of why there’s a challenge in communicating to those around you. They have no idea what it feels like in your body, soul, heart and mind.
Recently I had to deal with a really painful example of this.
I was at a breaking point in a very special and important relationship because I felt unseen, slighted, unaccepted, misunderstood and as a result, terribly hurt.
Being queer is such a unique and personal internal experience that no one else can really know.
Everyday I’m learning more about myself and how I interact with the world.
Nothing looks the same. Even the clinic I work at feels different to me. I see the heteronormative way of our world and how awkward it is to walk through it as a queer person.
So when faced with someone who dismisses you, even if unknowingly, it hurts more. The need to claim our identity and the changes going on within are so important.
It becomes our call and in many ways bonds many of us together-as a group of humans who are trying to navigate this world but the map we have is different from the map others have.
This conflict I experienced made me believe that the relationship I had was over. I was ready to cut off ties completely. I didn’t have the patience of the past and there wasn’t a whole lot of forgiveness in my heart. I really believed this person didn’t welcome me and my new identity.
But the other person in this relationship didn’t give up. They were committed to the bond we fostered so long ago.
As a result, they tried really hard to express their love. Multiple times.
It resulted in a conversation that was honest, filled with tears of real painful memories and feelings, expression of needs, clarification of serious misunderstandings and forgiveness for the horrible exchange of loud and abusive words at each other 2 days earlier.
I write this blog for a few reasons.
Conflict happens. To all of us.
Rage and anger are real emotions that need to be expressed…safely.
Those who really love us will not leave. They will stay and fight for the love shared.
We need to speak up when we feel disregarded, disrespected, hurt, isolated, alone and unapologetically.
Conflict resolution can only happen if the people involved really give a damn…and only when the heated emotions have had time to simmer.
Also, it’s helpful to call in peaceful energy/guardians/ritual space to hold you. I was lucky that I happened to be in sacred space and just completed a ritual to connect with my inner strength.
Believe in yourself.
Coming out is a lifelong process. Every day I’ll be coming out to someone new, I’ll be explaining myself to another person and I’ll have a new life experience to introduce myself to another level of what coming out means.
I’ll look back at this conflict and conflict resolution as one of the most pinnacle moments in my life. Speaking my truth saved both of us-it brought us closer, made us see the dark sides of ourselves and brought each other into the healing process that life presents us. And the love that was brought to me was the reason we came to a loving resolution. One of being human. We are all flawed. It’s a human experience.