As I dig deeper into my course work (4 weeks completed today), I see myself living in a parallel to what I am studying…a real embodiment of the lessons.
So I’ve decided to share this part of myself with all of you.
Many of you may know that I have spent most of my life single…and happily so.
After I got married and then divorced, I was in a position to experience what dating was-for the first time (I suppressed all desire as a younger girl and woman, thereby my lack of dating exposure until I was in my 30’s).
That was a very difficult time for me.
I was coming out of an abusive and loveless marriage, had a newborn son, was raising him alone and starting a career as a doctor in a new city simultaneously and trying to figure out who I was, all over again.
My therapist became one of my life-lines.
Being Indian, seeking therapy is a non-conventional thing to do…and as you know, I’m all about non-convention!
My family questioned the need and I asserted myself-claiming the very important and critical gift that therapy or any form of healing gives you-time to learn all about YOU…uncover the hidden demons, find the shadows, release the pain and suffering, surrender and discover real true self love.
I am so grateful for those years I spent with my therapist. I can still see myself sitting in her cozy office, sun shining through her window, crystals and soft lighting around me, always choosing between different chairs to sit in, depending on what my mood was. She truly helped me learn how to love myself.
Within a year of being separated from my ex, I decided it was time to discover what online dating would feel like.
If you’ve ever learned a new language, creating an online dating profile is very similar.
I needed to think about how my message would be received-what words are going to make the most impact and how do I know what I am writing is what I want to convey?
I tried match.com first.
It turned out that I was lucky.
I met an awesome man. Spaniard, sexy, brilliant, creative, a father, going through a divorce as well…but unlike me at that time, very sexually confident.
I’ve said this before, several times, and will say it again. I don’t believe in coincidences.
Synchronicity is all about timing, universal divine presence, karma, intention. He and I were meant to be together for the time that we were. I see that so clearly now.
His arrival in my life was like Don Quixote-managing imaginary battle-unaware the he was going to help me through my sexual trauma.
The first night we were together, I had a breakdown. I didn’t understand it. It was unexpected (at least, in my cerebrum, it was) and honestly, unwelcome. I was showered with shame and confusion.
He was an angel. Not once did he make me feel uncomfortable.
He held me and let me cry. I told him what was happening in my body, heart and mind. He never pushed me to do anything. It was as if he was waiting for this. Like he knew a part of myself that I didn’t know.
That night, I had released years of suffering with my ex and being sexually abused, feeling like a victim, not being loved, not knowing if I was desirable.
This beautiful man gave me validation. Helped me dig deep and realize I had been badly hurt. Also helped me see that all men were not like my ex. I could be loved and more than that, I deserved to be loved. Worshipped. Wanted. Desired.
We had the healthiest and best sexual relationship I have had, yet. It was more than that, too. It was an uncovering of my sexuality that had remained hidden. That was what he did for me. He untied the bow on my package of a sexual being.
Trauma is held deeply in the body.
You may not even consciously know it’s there.
My experiences of trauma are not limited to my ex.
Like many, I was bullied as a kid.
I had to deal with a body I was very uncomfortable with-I wore a back brace, had acne, wore glasses (in the 80’s that was not ‘cool’), and had a body that felt like a boy’s-I couldn’t feel like a girl for over two decades.
I think I was suppressing my sexual orientation throughout my childhood and adulthood.
On top of which I went through the logical suppression of all sexuality thinking that I had to ‘go to school and become a doctor first’ (my words, not my parents, btw).
Being an Indian in America and then an American in India, brought all sorts of cultural identification confusion to my brain and self, further traumatizing myself.
Trying to figure out how to navigate the deep seated patriarchy of our world and especially living in India I had to quietly listen to misogynistic, sexist, judgmental voices around me and remain silent.
I had my heart broken, like many, several times, while trying to listen to my heart that I had never really, seriously met or had a conversation with.
Then I got married to an alcoholic who happened to be a porn addict, was abusive and unkind.
This is not meant to be the complete and exhaustive list of my experienced trauma. That would take up a library. Not because I am abnormally traumatized. But because every day something happens to us that makes us feel uncomfortable. Even being born is traumatic for newborns. We have inherited ancestral trauma. Lifetimes of aggression. Political and cultural dynamics we have to witness.
All of these are held in our bodies.
Finding ways to acknowledge, recognize, clear and release these from our body and mind is our live’s work.
For me, it’s a combination of journaling, dancing, listening to music, embodiment practices, painting, energetic healing, shamanic journeying, deep investigative therapy, oracles, laughing, reading, walks in nature and most recently hugging and talking to trees.
Pleasure and sex is coming up as one of the ways I can also discover and release these hidden wounds.
Not meaningless sex…but intentional self-pleasure to tap into deep muscle memory that stores this trauma. Until I started this course, I was consciously unaware of this…but then, I remembered that first night with the man I met on match.
He provided me that avenue to heal and it was sexual pleasure that got me to release the wounds I had held so deeply. I’ve been walking in a state of being blind to that gift until recently.
Leaning on myself to provide that same experience is what I’m digging deeper into and it’s transformative. I undervalued the gift of what we have in our Kundalinis.
We are all bodies of wisdom.
And for others, we are able to be guides. The ones you find yourselves interacting with are purposefully on your path.
It’s so important to know that all of your interactions with another impact them in ways you may never anticipate or thoughtfully consider. If you can shine light on another’s pain and suffering by offering them a smile, a listening ear and maybe a great consensual shag, you might just be changing the course of their life…for the better!!