I had a realization this past weekend. I’ve got demons. I’ve seen them. I’ve cowered from them. Can they become my friends?
As many of you know, I’ve been single for the majority of my life.
I’ve been married…and I never dated before getting married.
Marriage was my entry point to sex and relationships.
Unfortunately, my ex-husband was a poor educator of what a healthy relationship is and it was a terrifying introduction to sex.
As a result, I had to learn from the tragedy that ensued and the destruction of my marriage.
It taught me what I didn’t want. I walked away from something that was breaking my heart, mind and body.
Thankfully, I kept my soul intact. I didn’t give it over to him to smash. I kept my spirit strong. Despite it all.
What I have realized, though, is that as a result of not knowing about sex, dating, relationships and what I could ask for…how I had the permission to say no…that pleasure existed…I created a life of sacrifice.
Until I had my son seventeen years ago.
Holding him in my arms taught me that things could be very different for him.
That he could be safe and secure, not have to be scared to come home and wonder if his Dad was going to beat him up or if his Mom would be hurt.
My mission was to keep him protected.
Being a mother has taught me how to find pleasure in everything. I developed the sense of excitement in my body that I had shut down.
I created a reality for both of us. One of joy, hope, love and he truly became my best friend.
How does his relate to dating and demons?
I dated a lot when he was really young. It was the first time I was free to explore my sexuality and vitality as a woman.
And I really let myself explore!
I had dates everywhere-on boats, in hotel rooms, under trees, on the beach…and I was lucky. I wasn’t hurt.
Well, not physically.
But I was hurt emotionally.
Because I didn’t know I could ask for what I want. I didn’t have a liberated voice. I was in service of the men I dated.
So I felt used, repeatedly.
Along the way I had periods of time when I would take a break from dating or change the app I was using. Hoping for a different outcome.
There was some change. I met men who were more elevated spiritually and felt like I was getting closer to what I really wanted.
Then last year I realized I like women. In the middle of the pandemic.
I still haven’t gone a on a date with a woman and haven’t found the man who is open to a throuple (my true desire, at the moment).
I’ve been using COVID as my excuse for not dating.
I say it’s an excuse because I think I might have uncovered a block.
Dating has felt unsafe to me. From what I wrote above, you can surmise that I haven’t been in empowered relationships.
So my body and mind expects the same pattern with a woman or a man and woman.
To avoid repetition, I have been practicing avoidance.
It’s safe to not abandon myself. To love myself enough where I don’t need a partner. I can’t hurt myself, I can’t walk away from myself.
So in safety, I stay single.
But then I see someone who tickles my fancy and my seat belt gets loose. I start feeling terror.
Liking someone means the possibility of pain again.
And so the tug of war happens again.
And my demons come out to dance on the lava of my soul. Taunting me and teasing me.
If I stay where I am I can keep myself protected. I can also inhibit myself from discovering the most incredible experience of falling in love.
So my next level of inner work is to communicate with these demons, make them my friends and dance with them. I want the hot, burning lava to transmute into hot, sexual energy. To alchemize into liberated, unabandoned love and send my fears up in flames.