OMG, one week in my life feels like one year!
Fair warning-this is going to be the LONGEST blog yet. Seriously! So get your drink of choice, sit back and enjoy!
Over the past 7 days:
I was honored to be a Justice of the Peace for my adopted-not-adopted daughter and we performed the most beautiful wedding on the sidewalk! More to follow on that.
I had a third AND fourth date with that amazing man I met on Zoom-more to follow on that, too!
I had a dance class that I couldn’t handle at all and found myself completely frozen, unable to move-I discovered an insecurity-and, yes, more to follow on that.
I continue to test patients for COVID at the clinic and care for patients without COVID through telemedicine. I find myself exhausted beyond a point I have never been at before. My son is home in his zoom school, we are trying to maintain our social distance at home, but damn it’s hard not to hug him and pinch the beautiful cheeks of his face .
So, where to begin?
With LOVE, of course!
This is a time when a lot of people are scared to be happy and express the excitement they may have in their own lives.
Looking around at the devastation it’s hard to acknowledge your own beautiful gifts in life. But not allowing them to feed your heart and soul is equal to resisting their existence.
I can’t imagine a better time to fill the universe around us with a little bit of love and light. That’s what we were destined to do on this planet. Serve in our way and bring smiles to others.
So, a wedding during the COVID 19 pandemic is the best way to show the microscopic organism our middle fingers and tell it we will continue to live on and unite two souls together. And that is exactly what we did! (Well, without the middle finger)!
It was a gorgeous spring day.
We hadn’t left our homes in 5 weeks to do anything other than my visits to the clinic, hospital and grocery store so it was like going outside for the first time. And what a blessing of a day it was! There was a light breeze, the sky was blue, the blooms were coming out on the trees and ground. Love was in the air!
And right across from us, under a beautiful Magnolia tree stood a couple staring at each other, holding each other close and kissing.
How could we deny them the honor of being wed?
Donned with masks and gloves, I read my vows to them while my son recorded the whole ceremony on his phone, the couple intertwined with each other, listening to my words with all their presence, while their parents attended via face time across the globe.
They shared their vows to each other under the Magnolia tree, captivated by each other. Their love was palpable.
And in twenty minutes they were married.
Right there under the skies above. Declaring their love for each other. No pandemic was going to stop them. That message was so powerful. Love does indeed conquer all. We have to continue to believe. The minute we stop believing, we lose.
That wedding was the most incredible ceremony for me to witness-not just because I had the ability to marry them but because of what it stood for.
We spend thousands of dollars and countless days/months/years planning weddings that bring stress to the couple and everyone around them.
And we miss the point.
It’s not about the wedding dress, the colors of the linens, the food being served or the guest list.
It’s supposed to be about the couple. The wedding vows. And only two people need to be there for that.
It’s such an important value system that we have moved away from with the huge weddings we plan. We forget that in the midst of all the planning. The vows become the last thing to remember!
Here, it was only the vows.
And the party will come, post COVID and when it does, we will bring the house down. It will be a celebration of freedom!
Speaking of love, I continue to seek my own.
This dating offline that is online is becoming one of the most adventurous experiences I’ve had so far. And I am really enjoying it!
I had my third date after that hot video sex one and it was awesome!
We talked for 1.5 hours, looking at each others eyes through FaceTime, shared stories and he told me how much he loves talking with me, the attention I give him and the way I listen to him. The kind of words that give me butterflies.
He wanted to have another date-‘what are you doing this weekend’ was his question-ha! There’s a pandemic outside, so not much! ‘Hopefully having fun with you’, was what I was thinking. He wanted us to have a date like our second. Yes! But wait. Don’t I need to explore what our intentions are here?
So I did-I told him I didn’t want to enter a ‘video sex’ relationship only-he wanted to know what I wanted and I told him I wanted this to end up with me actually being in his physical space when this isolation/quarantine was over.
He said he’s enjoying what we’re developing. We shared that neither of us can predict the future and the reality is that this is the reality. Being online. So let’s see what unfolds.
And yesterday was that 4th date!
It was so HOT…even more than the 2nd.
I found myself more comfortable with the whole thing.
Being honest is so relieving. I’m not getting into this with blindfolds on and neither is he. Yes, I can get hurt even with this, but only if I let myself.
So by telling him what I want I am eliminating the possibility of me feeling blindsided if he still decides he doesn’t want a LTR when this is over. I am being an adult and making a choice.
The choice being made is to live.
I want to have new experiences to grow and it doesn’t hurt that it makes me feel good, appreciated and connected to a kind, hot man.
And for the record, I didn’t hear back from him today. It’s like the last time. I see his pattern. He moves back after he gets close. This man may not be the one. But he’s here for a reason and I’m exploring it until I think the experience is over.
What happened with my dancing is connected to the date, actually.
The night before the 4th date I joined a dance class to learn Bachata and ladies styling.
It turned out to be the worst dancing experience of my life.
I love Bachata and Salsa but never felt THIS intimidated before.
I was like a statue. Unable to move. Just the image of me moving and trying to flow like a goddess was impossible for me to do. I wanted to cry. I felt like I was a young girl who was the ugly duckling. Had no idea where it came from but I knew one thing. I wanted the lesson to end.
I sat down and waited for it to end.
And when it did I needed to cry.
I cried to my friend I was dancing with on zoom. At that time I didn’t know what the problem was other than I didn’t feel good about my body. But why-where was the trigger coming from? She held me through the phone, listening and was present.
Girlfriends ROCK. I can’t imagine my life without them.
So yesterday when I woke up I knew I needed to dig deep.
I think it came from being incredibly nervous about my 4th date.
Sure, I unveiled for him a week ago, but it was a week ago and he doesn’t know me, so maybe he won’t like what he sees this time.
I was in my head. I lost my self love at that moment. I was unable to tap into my inner goddess to give myself that sexy feeling I needed at that time.
I meditated, did reiki, yoga and acknowledged my vulnerability as a human. As a woman.
We all have moments of uncertainty and that was mine. I discovered an insecurity I had. Whatever my body looks like doesn’t represent what is inside me. That’s the layer to peel off.
I hope I get to date 5 and eventually date 50 with this man, but if I don’t, I know I am walking down the path I am supposed to right now.
Considering the uncertainty of the COVID pandemic and my daily tasks of helping patients swim through this mess, I’m not surprised I had something come up. If I am facing questions I can’t answer successfully as a professional then isn’t it expected that another part of my life that has similar questions for itself will come up?
We are mirrors of the world.
I like living in my bubble of what the world is supposed to look like. Today that bubble is in my home but tomorrow that bubble expands to my patients and I need to hold up the same mirror I have right now-of hope, love, light and universal truth.
The truth is we can only control our reactions and thoughts to what is around us. I will continue to hold my optimism and readiness to act in accordance to what is true- within myself. I choose to hold LOVE.
4 Replies to “Sidewalk Wedding, COVID Fatigue & Found Insecurity”
I’m so glad that your having so much fun and around so much love. Not a fan of this guy doing some flake ness toward you but as long as your having fun, that’s all that matters.
Thank you for being you.
I’m not either. I want to understand why guys need to run away after they feel something. It’s annoying behavior! Why can’t they believe that they can still be independent and vulnerable at the same time?! Thx my friend!!!!
What a beautiful story of love conquering all! My best wishes to the couple, the officiant and her wonderful son!
Love to all.
Thank you Emm!!!!
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