It’s been a while and I have really missed all of you! I never thought I could stay away for as long as I did this time.
Writing this blog has been so therapeutic for me. It gives me a sounding board different than insta and FB posts. It’s a way to deeply communicate with all of you. I can write more than a few lines and I feel like I’m talking to you.
But over the past month, I realized I was shedding through shame and couldn’t come out to write until I processed all of it.
It’s that friend who overstays. The one who calls when you don’t want to talk. And it’s also what you may see in the mirror.
For me, this shame had a lot of faces…but they were all images of me.
My relationship to money was the primary one.
It’s a difficult and painful story-not one for today’s post, but imagine a relationship with someone you love so much, spends all this amazing time with you and keeps leaving.
That’s money and I.
Or to rephrase it, that was money and I.
We have a newly defined relationship now. A healthier one.
Now M and M will stay together. Money and Me.
To go back to what I was saying…once that angry face of money shame showed itself, my other shadows quickly revealed themselves too.
Guilt. Fear. Resistance. Fatigue. Grief. Pain.
Like an avalanche, all of it happened together.
Accessing my tools-healers, rituals, prayer, meditation, music, TV (seriously-TV works to hibernate-shhhh-I didn’t say that!), crying, creating, organizing, family, friends, tea, aromas (love my incense and essential oils), community gatherings (both live with family and online-healing circle and social media), the moon, trees, massage, music, wicca, reiki, VITA, my son-nothing helped.
What crept up was so much pain.
It started from clenching-from all the grief related to the COVID deaths in India and suffering around the planet. Then the money shit erupted.
The Universe was delivering me messages through multiple avenues.
The pain quickly became unbearable and I wasn’t able to function. I had to really attend to it. To sit with it.
Have you ever tried to sit with something you don’t want?
It’s fucking miserable.
So, I surrendered.
My pain found a home. But I was working on finding a place for it to retire. Outside of my body.
And for the past two weeks, I have been doing everything to unravel my mysteries of shame.
It’s resulted in a lot of progress, actually.
Money and I are friends now…working on becoming lovers, but that takes time.
Those first kisses can be really awkward and this particular kiss needs some passion.
It’s as if the green has faded, so I’m working on how I see it and how it sees me. Like a lot of things in life, it’s how you see the other. Money is no different than a person in a relationship. I need to see it with love. It needs to be respected. Then I will be seen with love and respect back.
So as I bid adieu to my pain, I bring in money. Shamelessly. Come on…you know you want this…