It’s a strong and powerful emotion.
I usually don’t hold or feel anger, so when it creeps up I really encompass it. I’m like a dark lord. I can’t see anything else but the grey clouds in my head.
All my happy juice turns into poison. There is no rationalizing of my emotions and no one can pull me out.
Today it all hit me, suddenly.
Ironically, I was in the car dealership trying to get my car fixed when I decided to hate everything around me…and that could be part of the reason my car wasn’t able to be fixed today. Universal energy, right?
Well, as a result I ended up doing a 5 mile walk to get home.
There I was, walking, screaming and crying into my phone with an ostentatious purple flowered mask on my face, a balinese head scarf on my head, carrying a bag with way too much in it for a 5 mi walk and freezing my ass off wearing a lightweight sweater in the Boston breeze. You can imagine I was quite a spectacle.
As I was walking, I realized how lucky I was to have someone on the other side of the phone listening to me.
That someone happened to be my mother.
It was hard for her, of course. There I was, negating all the great ideas she was trying to throw at me to get me to alter my view of the world and life. Sweetly offering love and patience. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. I wanted to hold the red hot lava in my hand.
When I got home I still had all that heat inside of me.
As I approached my building I decided it was time to let this anger out and tell my ex off. Enough of holding love. There is no more room for love in my heart for him. He didn’t deserve it. I was really getting to the boiling point.
So I made a decision. I spent the 5 mi walk processing my feelings and I knew what needed to be said. I needed to tell him that I was done-on my terms-for myself.
He had already taken that stand. Without talking with me about it. That’s what was feeling the worst. The fact that I didn’t participate in the decision of our break up.
So for myself, and only myself, I sent a final message. This time I wasn’t telling him that I love him. I didn’t scream at him either. It was a mature message similar to the final curtain of an act.
Then I blocked him. Like he blocked me.
Not exactly childish. More like protective. Because I realized that my habits of the past four weeks have been a persistent curiosity nearing towards obsession about whether I received a reply from him or not. This way it won’t matter. I won’t know.
I blocked him on the accounts I could remember.
This act was symbolic, too. I was ready to let this anger finally become acceptance. There was no more hope. At least, not with him. (I definitely have hope for the future with a man who is ready for me).
People come to you when you need them. My mom called as I was leaving the dealership and had no idea that such a huge release was coming-which I may not have had if it wasn’t for her. I came home to the comfort of my loving son who helped me feel happier, lighter and purposeful. Neither of them may even recognize the impact their presence had at those times.
Trusting the ones around you and allowing yourself to fall into their arms, figuratively or literally speaking, is one of the best ways to experience what it means to be human. We can depend on one another. Healing happens to both. The one who is falling and the one who is receiving the fallen.
The trust fall.
Actors do this on stage when practicing, so they can depend on one another. Considering we are all actors on an invisible and gigantic stage, we should be practicing more trust falls. One trust fall a day. Some days I will receive and others, I will fall. I’m looking to the world to join in on this with me. Imagine a world of people trusting each other and falling into each others arms. We would never let anyone hit the ground.