This time, last year, Sep 2020, my heart was broken.

I put all of myself into loving a man who wasn’t able to love me back the way I deserved to be loved.

The break up was ugly-he sent me an email to end it…and told me he was blocking me, so I never got closure-the absolute worst way to end a relationship!

If you go back to last year’s blog posts, you can read the posts about our incredible relationship and the devastating ending.

It took me several months to recover and accept that it was over.

I imagined stalking him, parking outside of his home, sending him letters..I understood how people could get lost in the stories we tell ourselves and become obsessed with an ex-lover.

I witnessed that part of myself and thankfully, didn’t follow through on any of those impulses.

To be completely transparent, though, I have done some facebook stalking and every time I saw his face, my heart felt a bit sad.

I still have feelings for him. Not that I want to be his girlfriend again…but something is still there.

Is it always there-if you’ve loved someone?

I imagine so.

Even my ex-husband. Had he been alive, I would have told him I still love him, too, if I ever had the opportunity to talk to him. It doesn’t matter that he was horrible to me. My feelings of love were there.

I’ve made lists of the men I’ve dated, and I still feel something for all of them (sure, it’s been a year since I’ve been with someone, so I’m a bit horny, but even so)!

Love is a powerful emotion. It’s the essence of literature, music, cinema, art and crime!

Love draws me into another easily-I feel and respond with a depth that I can get lost in. Like an addictive drug, the sensation of feeling desired, wanted and giving the same to another, keeps me in a hold.

But last year, when I hit the lowest point of heartbreak, I really paused. I looked deep within.

And discovered I liked women! Talk about healing.

Interestingly, though, I haven’t had a huge draw to date over the past year. I’ve been busy with my self unfoldment-discovering I’m sexually fluid and gender fluid.

Instead, the affair I have been having is with myself…and it’s fucking amazing.

Dating has brought me to this point where I can take the time to give myself what I’ve been looking for. Realizing that all I need is right here with me. I never needed to date another. I needed to date myself.

What happened last week though was that my body remembered my ex from last year. I surprised myself with a desire to write to him again, unprovoked. It felt like a deep need, yet again. I looked at the calendar today and realized it was the same time this year when I received that unwelcome email.

Body memory is an interesting thing.

It brought everything back to the surface.

Healing doesn’t happen in a silo. It’s not a one time experience. It transforms and manifests as new triggers to be recognized and confronted.

I see that this is another deep level of pain that I have to pay attention to before I move ahead to get ready and invite women into my life…which I am so ready for!

HER is downloaded and ready for my voyage through the incredible world of pussies! COVID still terrifies me, but as a friend said to me today, I can’t wait forever to explore something that may be juicy and delicious!