So, I had a great 4th date last week with that man I met on zoom (let’s call him and other men I meet on zoom, zoomer) all those weeks ago and really thought we’d reconnect this week.
But alas, no cigar.
I’ve been a bit annoyed and wanted to say something to him. He didn’t even reply to my message after our last hot date.
But my friend told me I need to change my pattern if I want to invite more love into my life.
Do something different.
Like being silent.
Not having to have the last word and push them away. I usually tell these men off when I get pissed off with their immature behavior.
Being silent is not my forte (as I’m sure you have surmised if you’ve been reading this blog).
And this time, I’m really going to try the silence. I’ve attempted it before but I still end up texting the guy to uphold my value system of being upfront and honest. But really, I think it’s a power play.
It never seems to work. I mean, I get stuff off my chest, but that’s about all. The feeling I get back from the guy is usually of one his being caught unaware. As if his pants were down.
What will I get from texting zoomer? He’s clearly not interested in anything serious, so texting him will only increase my agitation.
I decided to try the silence.
Sitting in that discomfort is like yoga. Holding that pose you are dying to get out of and the more you resist it, the more it hurts. If you settle into it, you feel the body expand. And then it gets comfortable…most of the time.
That’s what this feels like.
I’m curious to see how my mind and heart will expand as I do this.
Last night I joined a late night zoom metup for singles. I wanted to explore all that’s out there in our new zooming reality and see what I’d find.
If this was the original pre COVID version of my reality, I would not be out at a bar or a pick up joint. But last night, I found myself in the equivalent of that online.
And it felt weird.
Everyone was probably 10-15 years younger than me. I felt totally out of place. I enjoyed being a voyeur for an hour, but that was all I could take!
Actually, a man sent me a message within a few minutes of joining. He wanted to face time and text off zoom. We ended up sharing numbers and texted briefly.
He, like my other zoomer, wanted to get hot and heavy. He thought I was attractive and was hoping he could engage me in an erotic massage over tech.
WTF, is my thought right now!
I know I took some of that for a few weeks (and loved it) but I had my experience and had my fill…for now.
Tonight, I had a 5 min dating event.
At least, that’s what I thought I signed up for.
A bunch of us single strangers met on zoom.
The coordinator took us through some fun interactive Q’s/A’s to get to know each other and we voted on answers to some of the questions. The winners would receive a gift card.
And, yes, yours truly won $25!
I didn’t walk away with a date, but I did walk away with some unexpected earnings!
I won the vote that was put on a song that evoked the strongest emotional response.
‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’ by Savage Garden.
That song was playing when I had my first kiss…and what a kiss it was!
I had a deep crush on this man. One evening, we ended up in his room, eating dinner on the floor and right as we put our plates down, he leant into me and kissed me as this song played.
His soft lips and soft hands. I was swooning.
Till today that song makes my heart beat fast and takes me all the way back to those days when I was so innocent and sweet!
It turns out that the actual 5 minute dating event is tomorrow! Woops.
I guess it’s something I’ll have to plan for another day…and will be something else to write about!
I’m going to continue with this process of silence with the zoomer and see what it brings me.
Right now it’s making me feel good. Some exercise of self-restraint and search within for the reason I want to hear from him.
What can I do for myself instead? Dance, yoga, journal, meditate, read, take a warm bath, play, laugh…it’s not about the zoomer…it’s about me.
I want to honor the messages I continue to get about why we are surrounded by COVID.
It’s about deepening the relationship we have with ourselves.
To discover the darkness and bring in the light, speak up and ask for what we want fearlessly, to love ourselves deeply and wholeheartedly, to love others and give back, to see the beauty within and without, to live now and not for tomorrow.
We have entered a twilight zone and I need to try everything I did before AGAIN. Because new rules apply. And I’m ready!