I spent a long time wondering how to write this particular post and what type of a reception it would have. This particular post will be more dark and sad. Because I am heartbroken and miserable.
This blog’s point has been to inspire and share, hoping to keep up with the changing times of dating. To create a community of people who are either experiencing similar challenges of finding love or have already achieved it and can share their successes.
As I’ve been writing this blog over the past 9 months, I have been discovering parts of myself and have shared my growth with all of you. Fantastic discoveries of how I feel, think and believe.
And my dating experiences have been extremely varied. I’ve gone from one night stands to my most recent soul love.
This post is to share the loss of that relationship.
In a blink of an eye the man I deeply loved (and still do) decided we weren’t right for each other. But, to be honest, he didn’t share that information with me in that way. It was more of a blindsight. An unexpected outcome. An email that I never thought I would receive from someone who loved me as much I loved him (or at least, I thought he did).
But like I said on my landing page of the blog, this site is not meant for bad mouthing those I date/have a relationship with. It’s meant to be a safe space to talk.
I want to share how I feel because a part of me feels really broken right now.
I don’t want to perseverate on what I know and don’t know about why I am in this position right now (because I don’t know, really). I want to explore what this means to me and how I am going to right myself again.
I miss him. I miss him terribly. He’s on my mind constantly. I wonder what he’s doing, how he is. It’s like I’m talking to him all day but I can’t tell him. And all of this is driving me crazy.
I’ve done a huge amount of soul searching and second guessing in the past 48 hours. Trying to remember why I wanted to be in a relationship to begin with. How did I find myself so ready to entrust my love with another? Did I tell myself a story that wasn’t true? Was I enchanted with romance and serenades, forgetting reality? Was I being deceived and didn’t know it? Was I trying to put a square peg into a round hole? Were my intuitions about our connection false? Was I being lied to about how much I was loved? Did I have unreasonable expectations? Was I too needy?
When I go down that list of questions (I know a lot of us ask ourselves these types of questions when we’re dumped-I actually hate that word but am using it here today since I’m in a dark place), I notice that it’s really not kind to ourselves and definitely not self-serving. It feels like self judgement.
I’m questioning my own ability to make choices. I’m looking back at events and wondering if I could have had a crystal ball to predict the future.
OF COURSE NOT!
But we do this all the time. Go on and on about what happened, why it happened, whose fault it is, how it could have been prevented, what went wrong, what’s wrong with me, why me…blah, blah, blah.
I’ve been doing this for 2 days and I’m exhausted.
I’ve cried for over 3 hours, I’ve been angry for over 24 and sad for another 24. I’ve screamed into a pillow, painted with all my fury and then with all my sadness and all the time holding love for the man that is giving me fuel to feed these emotions.
I’ve stayed in bed longer than I usually like and wish that my bed would absorb me into it and I could disappear.
But, I have responsibilities to myself and others (my son, for one), to get up and learn how to love myself again.
I thought I knew that. I’ve written posts here about that. Divine feminine energy. Receiving love. Loving myself. Being happy with me.
But in this moment and over these past two days, I have forgotten all of those lessons. I went into a deep abyss of self doubt, grief, loss, sadness, confusion and anger.
Journaling so much that I have 2 pages left of one I started 2 days ago. Painting so much that my watercolor cards are finished. Luckily I have unlimited minutes, so my cell phone will still be burning up use and thank GOD for my sisters who have carried me through this.
I appreciate the luxury of sleep, a soft pillow, my son who comforts me with hugs and lying next to me, my Mom who is letting me tell her loudly that I need to feel and not get into my mind to resolve this-holding space for me to express what I know is hard for her to hear-a daughter who feels slightly broken right now, my friends and family who have been checking in on me and lending ears and words of wisdom-giving me love that I am not giving myself and that I felt was taken away from me.
That’s the funny thing.
How could love be taken away from me? I gave love to him. He gave love to me. He stopped giving love to me. The love is not gone. I just need to give it to myself. I need to displace and replace it.
A part of me hopes he will still reach out again. To at least get closure. It doesn’t seem fair to have a relationship and not talk about what went wrong.
I refuse to become jaded. I refuse to give up on love.
I definitely can work on more boundaries. I know I was patient and kind with an open heart in this relationship and will not question what I gave him, because I know it was true and authentic love. I did express needs and he expressed his, as well. I thought those were clear but they started getting blurry as I got sick. My thinking wasn’t clear as the Lyme set in and that created trouble.
In the future, I will still express my needs and hope that they will not be seen as too much, but will create an opening for whomever is on the other side to express theirs with me, too. I will keep my heart open. I will continue to believe in the power of the Universe that he came into my life for a reason. He used to tell me the Universe brought us together and I know he was definitely a soul mate. I won’t disbelieve that.
Zoom and COVID made it easy to communicate a lot and perhaps it was too much. Maybe taking it slower with the amount of time and frequency, the next time around.
I don’t believe in regrets. I want to remember every single date I had with him with good vibes, when I can do that and not cry. That time is definitely not now. I can’t even listen to the playlist of music I made for us without feeling an empty space inside.
‘One day at a time’, one of my friends said to me today. She’s right.
The energy I give out to others I need to give to myself. The path of the receiving of divine feminine energy. And hope. I will never give up on hope. I will also never give up on him. I loved him honestly. I know he is the kindest man I have ever met (despite this recent weirdness that I don’t understand) and his actions don’t match his previous behaviors. So I only send out love to him, wherever he is. Hoping he will feel and receive it from me. I wanted to love him forever. He said we were Jasmine and Aladdin. I wanted that fairy tale. I think he did too. Until something felt very wrong to him and it was no longer a fairy tale he wanted to be a part of.
Someday, if he reads this, I hope he will feel the love I send him on the magic carpet we used to imagine ourselves on. Flying above this world to our safe places in our hearts. It’s a whole new world for me now, without him in mine. I wish he was in it. But I’m apparently not the writer of this life story. Just the actress.