Many of you may be wondering where I’ve disappeared to and why I haven’t been posting much. This post should explain a lot…and by the end of it you’ll know why I’ve called it “Watermelon Sugar.”
Tomorrow, on June 21st, the Summer Solstice, I will be celebrating my 48th birthday!
Our mid year solstices represent new beginnings, invitations for renewed energy and resourcing.
For me, it’s especially important.
It’s an actual re-birth.
A day when I feel the significance of our solar system, the Universe and immense gratitude for the longest day of the year that brought me here!
Birthdays are meant to be celebrated and I love that on my day, the world celebrates the beginning of Summer!
Coincidentally, my day also falls on a weekend where we honor Fathers.
My own Father was a huge part of my life, and still is, even though it’s in spirit that I talk with him.
I’m lucky I received so much from love him. As I write this post today, I’m calling him in.
My son, though, hasn’t had the fortune of a Father in his life, so he sweetly recognizes the paternal aspect of my parenting, telling me “you are my mother and my father, mom.”
And the significance of that statement is that it came in response to a declaration I shared with him earlier this week.
I claimed a part of my lost self. Something that I never consciously realized and resonated with until recently.
As many of you know, I live my life with a burning desire to really know myself and dig deep. Questioning my own choices and why I live or think the way I do. Breaking norms.
It’s the reason I’ve grown out my grey hair for the past decade. My mom hated it. I loved it. From one sexy stripe it’s become a full head of incredible silver that can’t be bought in a bottle.
Last year I claimed my name on this blog, on my birthday. No longer hiding behind my words and proudly sharing my intimate thoughts on this blog with my name known.
Six months later, I discovered I like women and came out as a Bisexual female.
Well…now, the evening before my Summer Solstice 48th Birthday, I am coming out as a gender fluid human.
I don’t really know what this means for me other than I feel a huge vibration of energy in my body and my soul when I write this and close my eyes to feel the impacts of these words.
I’m identifying with my truth as a human being who connects with the Universe as a temporary owner of this body.
The existence as a binary person has felt incomplete to me.
When my son said to me “You are my mother and father, mom. It makes sense”, it was in response to my sharing this new identification with him (after his initial shock of saying “wait, you’re going to be a dude?”).
When he shared the part of being both parental figures to him, I wondered if other single parents who serve as the stereotype of mother and father have a higher chance of feeling the way I do.
Gender fluid/non binary.
My memories of feeling like a boy go way back, though.
I was 8 years old and was so proud of my skinned knees. I never owned a skirt until I was married. Never wore high heels (sneakers and berkenstocks were my thing). Bought makeup but don’t really wear it (and the funny thing is once a guy broke up with me because he thought I wore too much)! I talked loudly (still do). Can’t wear a saree or a dress and get in/out of a car gracefully! (And most recently, when I went to buy male clothing, I didn’t cry. I felt like I was home. I always cried while trying on women’s clothing-nothing ever fit-but it was clearly much more than that)!
I’m aware that these are superficial examples of stereotypes, but it makes a point.
As a girl, I wasn’t falling into the norm of expectations…but I eventually went into that line.
Consciously, I was disconnected. I didn’t know I had a choice. I wasn’t even aware that I could choose.
So now, at the age of 47 and more than 3/4, to be 48 in less than 12 hours, I am experiencing another level of self-unfoldment.
What others may call a ‘mid-life crisis’, I call a ‘mid-life awakening’.
Last year my family asked me what my favorite song was. I chose “Watermelon Sugar”, by Harry Styles.
I understand why that musical choice is a big deal for me.
Harry Styles is my muse when I think of gender fluid fashion. He represents a lightness of being with how he dresses. He’s colorful, flamboyant and so present with himself.
Throughout my life, I have chosen to call in those descriptions. I just never knew it was coming from a Harry Styles within.
So, tomorrow, I will embrace myself dressed in my brand new gender fluid garb, dance to Watermelon Sugar under the trees and claim all I am with the joy of being a conscious 48 yo human.
For a birthday, I can’t give myself a better gift. ALL OF ME. Meenakshi, Meena, Mom, Mimi, Doc, Minku, Minx, Wonder Womxn. All of these are some of the endearing names I’ve been called so far. Adding on one more.
Happy Summer Solstice!