Last weekend I went out on a date for the first time since coming out! Ironically, though, it was with a straight cis-man…who was open to my being queer…but I realized by the end of the date, that I wanted more color.
Discovering my queerness has delivered multi-colored shades and nothing I see looks the same anymore.
I see everything differently.
Even though the world outside hasn’t changed much, my inner world has transformed. As a result, I am aware of things now that I ignored or didn’t even know how to see before.
Take this date, for example.
Before I identified as either sexually or gender fluid, dating was pretty straightforward for me, although very complex, it turns out.
First of all, I knew I’d be dating a man. And I never questioned sexuality. I made a lot of assumptions.
I would find an outfit I thought was attractive to another, I would put on eye makeup (I’m not a makeup wearer but I happen to own a shitload of it. somehow), do something with nice shoes that would invariably make my feet hurt and find a fashionable purse.
On the date, I would be engaged in the act of trying hard…to figure out what this guy was really thinking and feeling, how I felt, if I could imagine myself with him then and forever and in my mind’s eye I had babies with him (even though I couldn’t have kids-you get the picture, though).
Well, this past weekend the experience of going on a date brought up a whole lot of questions and de-bunked all I thought I knew.
I no longer had an understanding of what I wanted to present.
Interestingly, how I ended up dressing had nothing to do with attracting the other, it was all about how I felt about myself.
That’s been the best part of coming out. I am realizing that my journey is all about more loving that I’m giving myself.
Then I started off with a whole lot of confusion and over thinking.
Some questions I asked myself-how does a non-binary dress to a date, what is the impression I want to create, what is my sexual expression on a date, what is the feeling I want to have within myself on this date, what the fuck do I WANT from dating now???
All these questions were somewhat easily answered when I was straight and although I did a lot of digging even then, about what I wanted, I didn’t really pause to ask myself why I was dressing up.
This time, however, I wanted to dress up for myself.
I realized the feeling I was trying to tap into was what my non-binary identity wanted sexually and funnily, it was not related at all to another person.
I had to connect with my male and female energies, allow themselves to activate and really give myself permission to be whatever I wanted to be.
I wanted nothing to do with makeup or fancy shoes. (I’m actually really simple when I dress, but I do want to figure out how to dress like Shane, one day in the future)!
Because of the pandemic and what must be menopause, I have gained a lot of weight, so can’t fit into a lot of the clothes I have. On top of that, I really want to find gender neutral clothes, so I don’t conform.
Luckily, the order I put on Shein (http://www.shein.com) for clothes a month ago arrived that very day! When I was all worried I’d end up going to my date in my birthday suit, the package of goodies arrived and I found clothes I really celebrated myself in. My non-binary, gender neutral attire!
I know I’m writing a lot about clothes. The reason is that I believe it’s related to expression of ourselves. I wanted to feel like I was embracing aspects of myself with my version of sexiness and comfort.
So I found my outfit, nixed the fancy purse too and that freedom was awesome. I wore my mismatched earrings and my comfortable flat shoes.
When I was ready to get out of the house, it was so clear to me that I didn’t care what this man was going to think about me. I loved every inch of myself.
And then I started asking myself a question I would ask if I was in his position-‘what do you want’?
I had no fucking clue.
Really and honestly, this time around my dating experience is about exploration and discovery of my new identity with others with the ultimate goal of finding my throuple.
So that means it’s about sexual inquiry, tantric connection, spiritual exploration, joyful connection and is really not about one partner or marriage. It’s not about finding a father for my son. It’s not to have someone commit with monogamy.
How do I tell that to a straight cis-man who’s meeting me through a dating service I signed up for before I came out?
I thought I’d have that challenge.
Well, I didn’t.
He didn’t have any curiosity.
He knew I was queer and said he was open to meeting since I was still interested in men, but I don’t think he was ever with anyone who was queer before.
As I thought about it, sitting there, I realized I wanted to be with someone who could identify with these muses and rumblings. Someone with more color. Someone who was queer.
The rainbow is such a great symbol for the LGBTQIA+ community. We are a group of people who may not be expressive out loud but are incredibly colorful in how we live our lives. We don’t conform. We take risks. We light up the world with our inner beauty and charisma.
I am the rainbow of my soul and I paint the world I am a part of as a result of who I am. Everyone I meet paints their own rainbows. I’m looking for those rainbows that can create fireworks!