The Weeknd’s song, “I Feel it Coming”, has some of the most raw lyrics…’you’ve been scared of love and what it did to you. You don’t have to run, I know what you’ve been through’…
To my subconscious, those lyrics triggered a deep wound. I had NO idea I was carrying so much pain in my body and soul.
I was listening to this song in between patients yesterday. Headphones on, I heard the most beloved and familiar song for the 1000th time. I was moved to get up and dance to the beat that I, oh, so love.
I started crying. Then sobbing. Real, cut-throat sobs. My whole body felt the grief extract from a dark space within.
Music does this to me. The frequencies channel my chakras and I sync with the beats, the voices, the instruments, the scales…then add on words and I’m hooked.
Like a drug, it takes me to another place.
This song took me to a wounding I didn’t recognize.
But I didn’t stop it. I kept going. 11AM and I was there in my living room, crying soulfully like I was getting my heart ripped open. It didn’t matter to me that I had a patient in an hour.
This was the moment I had to honor.
My son came running into the room worried that something was terribly wrong. He stood there, no judgement, watching me sob while I was singing out loud to a song he knew but couldn’t hear, since it was within my ears and I was definitely NOT in tune! I’m no Weeknd singer!
He looked at me with the tenderness of someone who really truly cares. Held so much space for me while I continued with the dancing, crying and ‘singing’.
Then I hugged him. He had to get back to class, so I had a micro-second to explain to him why his Mom just had an unprovoked avalanche of tears, mid-day. He got that the story was going to take much longer than the time he had so I gave him a brief explanation. And then told him to tell his teacher I was okay (apparently they could hear me through his headphones, too)!
I recorded this experience of mine (not the conversation with my son-the crying, moving and singing). Something inside me felt it was an important moment to capture. The surrender to my deep feelings. The healing that I am witnessing myself go through, like I’m on the outside looking in.
The recording shows my real pain.
I thought about this alot since. Why that song?
It’s the words and the tenderness of Weeknds’ voice.
Those words ring true for me and I have really never allowed myself to sit with that shitty feeling. That I have been hurt enough that love feels so far. That I’ve given myself to all relationships I’ve been in but the outcomes haven’t been what I wanted. So I run. I feel misunderstood. And I defend.
I go to that happy place that gives positive spins on everything fucked up.
That ability I have to be the optimist means I won’t sit in the dark that long. So, the pain gets patched up. And I move on. Happily and almost unknowingly.
I say almost, because my body remembers it all.
Our bodies are like safes. They hold everything. The phrase ‘the body knows’ is really true.
My movement that day allowed the energy to flow out and the subliminal messaging of that song spoke to my body, releasing this buried treasure of grief that hadn’t been seen and released…
I see that clearly now. It’s not helpful to myself to make things look pretty and say everything’s hunky and dory if it isn’t!
But the crazy thing is I really thought it was all good.
Allowing myself to hear my own messages is providing avenues for healing. Giving permission to myself to feel sad, temporarily broken, confused gives way to green grasses and rainbows after the rain of tears flow. So, from now on, only honest and raw feelings. All of what I feel…no sugar coating… and no judgement of them, either. I’ll take a chocolate covered almond but no chocolate covered emotion. This chocolate girl is all real chocolate from now on!