I’ve been exploring my use of boundaries.
Being Indian, familial boundaries are so loose, you don’t really see any. As a kid I loved it, but as an adult, it led to my having difficulty in saying no to those inflicting pain on me or walking away from abusive relationships.
My youth was spent in hiding from other kids.
I felt unseen in many ways and over seen in others. I was seen as the kid with a back brace, bullied and teased daily for several years, the brown kid who didn’t belong, the kid with acne who was shunned..this list goes on.
At the same time, I was an incredible singer and dancer. I was an excellent athlete.
But I hid those skills from the masses. I would go to the sick room at school, instead of playing basketball. I would sing when my teacher told me to, but then I’d run off.
It was at home that I felt safe…but not outside those walls.
I eventually got married to someone who was abusive and continued to feed into that sense I had that safety didn’t exist outside of my immediate family.
Fast forward 20 years later, I realized I never healed those inner layers of myself-at least, not consciously.
I have the ability to be positive and loving despite how I am treated by others, but it also stems from wanting to be seen and recognized.
Now I have learned how to distinguish between the two.
Those are my boundaries.
Giving myself the permission to say no. Really feeling it in my body, when I am triggered. Empowering myself and loving myself enough to walk away. Telling others when they are hurtful, fearlessly. Creating a tribe of friends who love and truly honor me.
And through these behaviors, I am able to teach my son how to create safety for himself.
How does this relate to dating and relationships?
It hit me the other day that one of the main reasons I am still single stems from one missing ingredient.
All of my relationships, including my marriage, came from a one time meeting. Dating on-line creates a romantic intention even before you know each other. Expectations already exist.
How is that safe?
Sexual safety and deep trust has not existed for me with a partner, so adventure didn’t either. Which means my inner wild woman wasn’t unleashed to explore.
I need friendship first.
Trust and safety, so I can then blossom into a person who can surrender and enjoy being with another/others. The boundaries I eventually created had become walls after being hurt for so long and now those walls are gone- replaced with self awareness and love.
This current place of knowing what I want and need will help me tap into the desire for a real relationship where my inner sorceress can play and truly feel liberated…and explore bondage of another kind!