I’m putting a big insecurity of mine out here and am curious how it lands for you…and maybe some dom vs sub exploration.

When you find yourself getting into a frisky space-phone sex/sexting/in-person sex or any kind of physical intimacy-whose turn is it to get in touch the next day?

This has been a struggle for me.

I don’t like to fall into unhealthy patterns and also don’t adhere to labels or norms.

But I do wonder about power dynamics.

In the past, I used to think it was the man’s responsibility to reach out to me (considering the stereotypes of gender roles-which I now think are bullshit, thereby making this even more complicated).

And, honestly, I was left disappointed every single time, minus one.

They didn’t reach out. I had to. And I hated it. I still do.

And the crazy thing is they all said they had the best time and wanted more.

So my brain immediately went to the question-then why didn’t you tell me and reach out? (very unsuccessful conversations that didn’t lend any more clues as to how their brains were wired)

I hear my own brain saying ‘let them call you, let them make the first move, if you keep initiating, you aren’t leaving space for them to create’. I also hear ‘isn’t the gentlemanly thing to check in on me’?

But I don’t want to fall into the colonized societal conditioning telling us how to behave as different genders.

I identify as sexually fluid and gender fluid. I’ve busted the norms! But the truth is, this still bothers me.

So, if it bothers me, is it bothering the other person, I wonder? Are they waiting, as well?

I know there’s only one way to know and that’s to ask. But if I ask, I’m reaching out first. And I want to be pursued.

The complexity of this situation just grows.

If I’m removing the binary and therefore the traditional expectations in a relationship, then does it matter who contacts who first?

The obvious answer is no.

But I feel differently than my mind dictates. My heart wants to feel like I am desired. My body wants to respond with butterflies when I get that unexpected expected message.

It’s just how I feel. Maybe there’s a bit of a role I have created for myself. The one of wanting to be the prey. The Sub.

When I think of getting into kink (which is definitely on my horizon), I wonder if I would be a Dom or a Sub.

I don’t think I’m either. I actually think I could be a switch. Bouncing back and forth between wanting to hold the power and give it up.

Doesn’t mystery create a magnetic pull?

As you can see, I have a whole lot of questions and no answers. At the end of this complex inquiry I am left with the same thought I had in the beginning. Whose turn is it?

8 Replies to “Switch it ON…”

  1. So well said!! We so often fall into societal norms, and I think you’re amazing for questioning them!!

    1. Thank you so much Jessalyn!! Questioning why I do what I do is my thing-as you know…and now I’ve entered a whole new world to explore kink at a deeper level. This is fascinating!!

  2. I love this Cosmos! I too have had this dance around dismantling gender roles. I remember getting dressed for my first lesbian date and legit wondering if I should wear a dress. Can I wear a dress? Is she gonna wear a dress too? Then should I wear pants?… the conditioning is real and shows up in even the most ridiculous of ways. With sexual interactions I personally am normally the one who takes the lead and also follows up…which I’m okay with. 🤷🏾‍♀️
    I also just read Women’s guide to power unbound by a former dominatrix and she talks in detail about the true expression of sub and dom roles and how both are incredibly powerful and influential. She writes about how important it is to be able to play both roles.
    Love these shares! Keep it up friend! 🤗

    1. OMG YES!! That’s exactly IT. Both roles. It’s what I’ve been feeling inside-this tug of war and the fact that it doesn’t have to be is so liberating! Thank you for pointing that out and sharing your challenges too Brittany. We have to break our conditioning. It’s a soul searching experience to get to that place of comfort. I’m so happy we are on this ride together! I love that concept of the S and D being integrated-they ARE! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  3. You stated: “I want to be pursued.” It might not be about gender here, maybe you can honor this desire and see where it takes you.

    1. Ooooh I love that you picked one phrase out of this for me to reflect further on. You’re right-it may not be about gender and simply desire. Thank you Angelina!!! ❤️❤️❤️

  4. I think the switch answer works for who should call who too! Call them but if they never call you it’s a bit off balance. I want whoever I am with to want to be with me as much as I want to be with them. The gender norms create artificial pressures and if we can let go of them it’s liberating!

    1. So do you always make the first love to initiate contact? Do you ever want to be pursued? How do you balance it?

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