I’m putting a big insecurity of mine out here and am curious how it lands for you…and maybe some dom vs sub exploration.
When you find yourself getting into a frisky space-phone sex/sexting/in-person sex or any kind of physical intimacy-whose turn is it to get in touch the next day?
This has been a struggle for me.
I don’t like to fall into unhealthy patterns and also don’t adhere to labels or norms.
But I do wonder about power dynamics.
In the past, I used to think it was the man’s responsibility to reach out to me (considering the stereotypes of gender roles-which I now think are bullshit, thereby making this even more complicated).
And, honestly, I was left disappointed every single time, minus one.
They didn’t reach out. I had to. And I hated it. I still do.
And the crazy thing is they all said they had the best time and wanted more.
So my brain immediately went to the question-then why didn’t you tell me and reach out? (very unsuccessful conversations that didn’t lend any more clues as to how their brains were wired)
I hear my own brain saying ‘let them call you, let them make the first move, if you keep initiating, you aren’t leaving space for them to create’. I also hear ‘isn’t the gentlemanly thing to check in on me’?
But I don’t want to fall into the colonized societal conditioning telling us how to behave as different genders.
I identify as sexually fluid and gender fluid. I’ve busted the norms! But the truth is, this still bothers me.
So, if it bothers me, is it bothering the other person, I wonder? Are they waiting, as well?
I know there’s only one way to know and that’s to ask. But if I ask, I’m reaching out first. And I want to be pursued.
The complexity of this situation just grows.
If I’m removing the binary and therefore the traditional expectations in a relationship, then does it matter who contacts who first?
The obvious answer is no.
But I feel differently than my mind dictates. My heart wants to feel like I am desired. My body wants to respond with butterflies when I get that unexpected expected message.
It’s just how I feel. Maybe there’s a bit of a role I have created for myself. The one of wanting to be the prey. The Sub.
When I think of getting into kink (which is definitely on my horizon), I wonder if I would be a Dom or a Sub.
I don’t think I’m either. I actually think I could be a switch. Bouncing back and forth between wanting to hold the power and give it up.
Doesn’t mystery create a magnetic pull?
As you can see, I have a whole lot of questions and no answers. At the end of this complex inquiry I am left with the same thought I had in the beginning. Whose turn is it?