This past week has been a dark one for me. I have a fatigued state of being…feeling drained. This feeling is very unusual for me and not something I usually write about, either, as a result.
This past full moon was an intense one and it’s affected me more than I anticipated.
I notice that I’m getting more sensitive to changes around me as I dig deeper inside for my truth. As a result, my internal and external environments find themselves in conflict.
Internally my sexual identification and search for belonging isn’t matching externally. I don’t have a partner/lover/anyone I can explore this with.
This reality isn’t new anymore, but I realize its impact is stronger now.
I’ve been dragging my feet and procrastinating to get things done. I haven’t lifted a finger to do any of my coaching homework or practices this week. Not opening my mail. Feeling overwhelmed and incredibly tired.
To me, this feels like serious shadow.
There is something I need to work through.
Today one of my VITA teachers said something brilliant…”our fear is sitting on top of the brightest light”.
That really resonated with me on many levels.
Right now I’m displaying internal fears that I haven’t met before and once I let them go, I see abundance, more liberation, safety, belonging and authenticity…my ‘brightest light’
Getting to that point is the hard part. I can create solutions in my head but it’s the action that’s hard right now. I see myself counseling my patients all the time on this and the one message I try to send is to be gentle and kind with yourself. I need to hear my own message.
So today I listened and took a nap…and it was beautiful! Anyone who is stopping themselves from enjoying a nap in the middle of the day is missing out. Siestas are not over-rated!
I took a one hour blissful nap at 4PM while listening to incredible talent on clubhouse.
Clubhouse! Now that is a story to tell!
Eight days ago I received an invite to join Clubhouse (CH). Like getting Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket, I felt like I received the most sought out prize!
And for me, it’s been more than it’s been claiming to be.
It has clubs and rooms covering every topic under the sun (including the sun, itself).
It’s turned out to be the best avenue to finding an LGTBQIA+ tribe I can belong to! FINALLY!
I have found rooms and clubs to cover my interests ranging from the Sitar to Dating. Today I listened to a 2 hr concert (incredible talent), participated in an improv game and horribly attempted to act as King Jullien (and was not booed off stage), tried to negotiate the complexities of representation for the LGBTQIA+ community and how to raise voices, understood more about how to use instagram as a tool, started my morning by dancing in bed to Afrobeats and am listening to a Sitar Jam Session as I write this (with hopes to one day be able to play on CH with my own Sitar).
Why am I sharing this with you?
Because of the simplicity of the solution to my problem.
I think I’ve been digging a bit of a hole for myself with this sexual identity crisis. Exaggerating the problem in my mind that I don’t have peeps who can relate. But I do. I have found several incredible people over the past 2 months since I’ve been asking this question but haven’t been able to take action to engage beyond a few texts here and there.
Something has stopped me. That is the inertia I’ve been feeling.
Clubhouse has offered me an easy path to communicate with others in the LGBTQIA+ community-a group of people, with varying cultures, from across the world, with different approaches to life and its nuances. I can be a fly on the wall and listen, if that’s what I choose to do or participate in conversation and create dialogue.
I have been received with so much love. The LBGTQIA+ community is so welcoming and I love the straight talk. It’s a breath of fresh air. Dating-that was my initial question and I received incredible responses about options-but right now, I’m honestly too tired to think about dating! Like I said in my last post-dating isn’t at the forefront of my mind right now. So I think I am finding my LGBTQIA+ tribe!
Clubhouse also shows me that despite the pain of the pandemic and the tragedies around the world, people are inherently good. They want to connect. Humanity has been preserved.
My salvage during a week of introspection, quiet solitude and confusion was Clubhouse. My message is that it may be the most unexpected place or experience that will offer a shift to your mindset or life. Staying open is key. My plan is to stay with this feeling and move from the shadow into the light as it evolves. After all, we can only see the light by coming out of the darkness…or turning on a light/lighting a candle.