As many of you know, since I had my last breakup in the Fall, I haven’t gone back to dating.
I’ve been wondering what’s holding me back.
Initially it was heartbreak.
Then a couple of months following that, my excuse was COVID.
After which it was this incredible discovery of how much I could turn myself on and felt I didn’t want or need a partner.
Now, I am back to thinking it may be time to date again.
After all, it’s Spring.
New beginnings. Refreshing energy. Sunshine coming into my windows. F&%$ing enough trees (in my mind, of course) that maybe it’s time to be with a human?
But then my next stream of thought is how to engage again-mid COVID, new sexual orientation, not wanting to screw up the process.
Everyone suggests online dating-HER is the one app I’ve heard a lot about for queer and lesbian exploration-but I just don’t want a repeat of my online dating experiences with men. Not that they were all bad…not at all. But none of it was easy.
This time, I would be exploring dating with women-which is all brand new to me. That’s kind of terrifying.
I hate admitting to fear, honestly (outside of mice, rats, snakes, heights-though I may be over that, thanks to my son who helped me with that years ago)…but this one, I have to acknowledge.
I would be in territory that is brand new to me. NO idea how to flirt with a woman.
What a woman wants? Sure, I am one-I know what I want-that would be what I would be bringing to the table with a man, too. Starting with me and what I want. Curiosity about what the other woman wants? That’s probably easier for me to explore than with a man.
But then there’s the whole COVID piece that makes meeting really difficult. Though I did meet my last boyfriend during COVID, so that argument doesn’t work. That’s just an excuse (I would make a really great lawyer-I’m arguing and defending all my own statements).
If I get really down to it-I am in my own way and it’s probably on purpose.
For the same reason that many of us avoid something we want.
Of rejection. Of not being perfect. Of what will change. Of the unknown.
But at the same time, if I don’t take a step I won’t move forward. I know that is true.
Right now I want to focus on my son, his last year in high school and college exploration, my education related to the coaching certification-it’s a shitload of work, my medical practice, creating new platforms to spread healthy messages and new projects that are coming up all the time, my friends and family, book club, dancing and exercise, cooking and using my Almond Cow that I am secretly having an affair with.
Where is the time to fit in dating?
That one isn’t an excuse. That’s real.
Dating takes time. I need to be ready to talk on the phone and do video visits. Right now, my phone and video are filled with collectives and practices with VITA (I see that my affair is extending intto VITA, too-I’m sorry Almond Cow). I can’t even make time talk with my sister, who lives in the same building!
So after all of this, I guess I realize that I want to experience dating again, both with a woman and a man, but that it may not be able to be now. Because of time.
I don’t believe that is an excuse, but I will ponder on that one. The full moon is coming and one of my releases will be these fears pertaining to seeking love in a woman. Let’s see if I have my own Wonder Woman out there and perhaps there’s a Superman there to join us, too…just not sure when I’ll be ready.