Through the coaching program I’m uncovering a very uncomfortable truth about my relationship between play and sex….
It never existed.
Because I haven’t let my guard down? Could it be that I didn’t think sex was supposed to be playful?
Maybe it’s all the Cosmo magazines I read as a young woman that taught me how to put on eyeliner and fake orgasms but never spoke about the truth…
…that I may not want to shut down my natural instincts.
If we were all left to develop our sexualities and gender identifications naturally, without any societal impact, we would be a sexually content human race.
But we haven’t got that.
We have a world filled with contradictions.
I was too young to know what I wanted but was fed what I was supposed to like by the entire world. I didn’t know I had anything to question because I wasn’t even aware of my true desires.
When I was old enough to feel turned on, I met someone who shut it all down.
Getting into the routines of life and becoming a responsible adult, I did what a lot of us do. I kept going. Happily, yes, but totally blind to what I really wanted.
I only know this now, because I have identified what I can’t do easily.
I can play games like no one else-game nights are my thing! But that kind of play is G-rated…or maybe R-rated if we play Evil Apples vs Humanity!
The kind of play I am referring to is letting loose in the bedroom (or anywhere, for that matter-let’s not restrict ourselves to beds and floors).
Being tame is taught. By society. Like we tame animals and keep them in cages.
We are the same.
Politeness. Not truly telling someone how you feel when they ask, ‘how are you’? Inhibited from expressing an opinion. Bosses making you feel uncomfortable with power dynamics. Women not being treated equally to men. Groups of people suppressed in society. Racial discrimination.
I could go on.
The point is that I have been following a self imposed rule-to do things in order and I never got off that ride.
I will still be polite, because it’s kind, but I plan on being unleashed sexually now. Discovering another aspect of play that doesn’t have to be limited to Monopoly Deal and Uno.
Letting go of fears that I am being watched, feeling uncomfortable with my body. Giving myself permission to be vulnerable and playful. Allowing myself to enjoy myself and express it as fucking loudly as I want to.
The message at the end of this isn’t limited to sex. It’s about vitality. Life’s full expression. We all can give ourselves the consent to be all we want to be and unashamedly shout it out loud, if that is what we choose to do. I choose to roar like a Lioness and call in Kali.